It’s the Climb!
I have an uncontrollable fear of cliffs / drop-offs. What's the best way to get over fear of a cliff? Climb it of course!
Ok there’s tons of cheesy one-liners that I could use to describe how I’m feeling right now – and it’s actually the day after my climbers high. I think this feeling will be lasting because of many different factors, one- that climbing is such an exhilarating thing, two – it’s such a great workout, and three – being on a cliff is one of the scariest things alive for me, but to conquer it leaves me with such gratification that I can’ t even explain to you how it makes me feel.
Let me begin by telling you about my uncontrollable fear of cliffs and drop-offs and what uncontrollable means exactly.
First off, fear is a funny thing. It invokes something in people that creates all this tension, this negativity that can cause one to overwhelm themselves with such thoughts of worry that they don’t come to the realization that they are conjuring up not just any thoughts, but thoughts of something that isn’t even there. That’s the funny thing about fear- it’s an emotional response and psychological seizure of something that does not necessarily even exist. Keep in mind, however, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t completely valid – because mostly, it totally is! But when I speak of this I realize there are actually different types of fear. When I think about things that people are fearful of, I think on one hand there’s the tangibles- fear of spiders, fear of heights, fear of open spaces- basically things that can be quantified, measured, and accountable. Or it can be an intangible fear- a fear that summons paranoia by the capture of one’s emotional sense or on the basis of premonition, a feeling. Both are fear, nonetheless, but very different types of fear that I believe invoke different emotional responses.
With all that said, you can really say that fear can be overcome with mental toughness – a mind over matter sort of exercise. Well I consider myself a very mentally tough person and often times can talk myself into doing most anything, however when it comes to my fear of drop-offs no matter what I do in mind over matter, I can’t stop my heart from pounding through my chest, pulse quickening, body shaking and seemingly the feeling of a heart attack, physical seizure and a complete mental collapse. This is what an uncontrollable fear is. When your mind tells your body very genuinely and whole heartedly that you’re fine and that you are not afraid, it doesn’t matter because your mind and your body have a complete disconnect. You tell your foot to move and it doesn’t. You tell your heart to slow down, and it doesn’t. You can’t figure out what’s going on because you’re saying “come on!” and your body is completely ignoring your will. Completely uncontrollable.
I didn’t realize that this fear of mine was an uncontrollable fear, until I finally went up the Space Needle for the first time (I know I’ve lived here how many years?) when Brian came into town for the UW vs. WSU bball game (PS Brian – GO DAWGS!!!! Total domination). We started our ascend up the elevator and I found myself with a vulcan death grip on the elevator railing, leaning as hard as I could against the back wall as to not have to see over the edge as we moved. The combination of the drop-off plus the ability to see just how high and how fast we were climbing was almost too much for me and I seriously almost passed out. I turned white and was in complete seizure. Amazing.
Now I get that fear is valid and there is nothing wrong with me for having this, but my problem with fear is this – limits. Fear is so limiting and I don’t ever like the feeling of having a ceiling over my head about anything. So what do I do with limits? I break them.
A friend of mine is a great climber and I had casually told him I wanted to climb, and little did I know just how passionate he was about climbing. I got this page long email back from him just spewing from his whole heart and soul about what climbing is to him and I couldn’t help but be filled with inspiration and a “well let’s do it!” attitude after that compelling speech. I told him my fear of cliffs and my and my logic of getting over that fear of cliffs was to climb then – so he set out this well thought out plan about how he was going to get me on a cliff.
So Uros and I ventured out to Stone Gardens for the first time and I was super nervous. I mean…so nervous and scared, that I was on a 10 foot wall and I was shaking so hard my grip was slipping. I could literally just jump down and be ok, but didn’t matter – I was terribly frightened even at 10 feet. I must say – Uros is an excellent teacher, and a great comrad. He taught me technical things, safety things, and was so reassuring I felt safe, justified, and completely comfortable in such a scary environment.
We started with bouldering, which is climbing without ropes, and he helped me learn to scale walls, save energy, good footwork, friction, I mean – you name it, not to mention throwing out inspirational quotes along the way to keep me amped. We went from a 10 foot wall and me squealing, to a 30 foot wall – and me still squealing, to a 50 foot wall with ropes and learning to trust him and a rope to just lean back in my harness and fall – while still squealing (poor other people in the climbing gym that day!) I mean…just put my feet up and fall. FALL. By the end of my session, I was cascading up huge wall faces without a care in the world, facing fear head on, and doing some really scary things that when I conquered them – it gave me the most amazing feeling of gratification I can’t even explain – but I’ve never felt anything like it. I’ve never conquered anything like this. And I’m totally hooked.
Somehow along the way of hiking, trail running, snowboarding, and now climbing – I’ve become my own worst nightmare – the adrenaline junkie. I never, NEVER thought I would be here, but I am. Climbing was the most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done, and to break another limit I have to say is one of the things I am most proud.
What an awesome day. Thanks to Uros for your patience, friendship, and not only sharing your passion with me but transferring it to me by osmosis. A great quote that Uros shared with me (amongst many others) is:
“Climbing is will power triumphing over common sense”. Beautiful.
Listening to: “It’s the Climb” by Miley Cyrus
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